let's pretend we don't exist

I'll be home right after Christmas for 10 days. I want to see everybody. I want to see everyone as much as I can.

I feel amazing. Jittery. The last doctor visit was a shocking success! After being sedated and worked on a lot and thoroughly drugged I'm eating and sleeping and walking again! I never thought I could ever be as sick as I was. Being unable move or speak, smell or hear without getting sick... every sense completely sabotaged. I also never thought I could recover like this. I shouldn't have gone to the beach or to torrey pines for a hike because of the antibiotics but it's just so beautiful and it's wonderful to be outside where I belong.

I'm exhausted and sad and frustrated. I'm very disoriented to be well. I hope to soon be reunited with the happiness in my life that drifted away in my mind. It will be better when I have company; I miss the quality of conversation I enjoyed. Intense disappointment with myself and some confusion with my identity rise and fall. These things aside, it's liberating to be so sure of what's most important to me.

Being healthy really is the best. Surgery is terrifying.
Moving here is the best thing I've ever done.
Things should be all better in a few days.

Many things have changed.
After months of doctor visits and sitting in emergency rooms alone, perhaps tomorrow they will have my answers and my cure.
Today I called my family for help. My dad came to California to help me and now I've eaten solid food for the first time in weeks! I realize now how little I appreciate my usually one-way digestive system. My throat is bloody and raw. I hope that this didn't stem from 30 encapsulated cacti. That doesn't seem diagnosable.
Important things have come into focus. I almost feel shiny and new and better. I feel very different. Now I just have to get better.

Pray for me.
Or good vibes or whatever you do.

no. 3
I'm mad because I spilled water on the corner.

I want to henna my hair. I'd have to dye it dark blond first and then it will come out kind of coppery red. Eh?

I had a birthday and made another scratch art.

This is my first scratch art attempt.

Katamari update- I rolled up the flying king and the queen, 3700m!
Guitar Hero update- have moved on to expert.
I haven't played Red Dead or Final Fantasy or Okami lately.
Embarrassingly, I started playing Rumble Roses as a joke, and now we play a lot... only because I listen to music at the same time.
I made a ton of scratch art palates for this weekend.
Oh, my birthday is this weekend.
I'm going on a trip. I'm excited.
I've chosen some photos to use as ideas for my scratch art.
Reading about people wanting to go to the beach makes me feel pretty lucky and ungrateful for living at the beach.
I have no idea what to expect from the trip. I just know that wherever I go it will be beautiful.

I don't really want the job I've been offered. Unless Alicia gets the same job...
I know where I want to work... I hope I can make that work out.
I don't want to be at another job where I'm miserable.

Being positive works!!

I got my first call back/interview set up today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!! End of the week bitches!

No, you're not bitches, the... government is a bitch.

Also, I wonder if my dad will be coming out west a bit to deal with these fires. Summertime here has definitely begun. Our wonderful 2 season cycle.

In unrelated news, I believe my life's calling may be scratch art.

Also, I think I may start praying.

I've realized that I don't need much to be happy. I think one of my life's goals is having to deal with money as little as possible.

Things are happening the only way that they can happen and it's likely not a coincidence. Why worry about something that's out of my control?

I was totally in the zone last night in Katamari. I finally broke the 3100 mark and rolled up the king of all cosmos. I thought you all should know.

So, I got fired this morning. I worked there for about a year and five months.
I brought in a doctors note because I got very sick and had to miss work. I absolutely could not make it to work for several days. I was told by managers that my doctors note covered all of the time that I missed for this particular illness. Today I was fired because of it. They knew I was very sick, I had notes and medicine, but they fired me anyway... for something that I had no control over. If they had told me I needed more doctors notes or something within a reasonable time for me to go back to the doctor I would have done it. But this is how they do it. A week later they tell me that I was misinformed. What else was I supposed to do?
So it's over. Now the job hunt is frantic. Now making rent this month is a question mark.
I guess I'm not going to the Deerhoof show tomorrow.

Other than that... I feel good. I feel that this is positive. I have cried more because of going to work than I can for being fired.
I have less worry in the pit of my stomach than I have in a very long time. I just have to be patient and work hard and not worry. I can do those things now. At another time in my life I couldn't say that.

I've been doing lots of scratch art!

My apartment is so close to everything... I can see down to the water from my balcony... but I think I want to get a bigger/cheaper place.

Christian and I are going to grow a cactus garden and make electronic music.

The weather today was perfect. It still gets dark a little too early, but at least I got up before 1 today. My stomach is feeling better. I've relaxed about things that I'd been worrying about.

I'm so excited, but I'm also very nervous. I wish I could let everyone know what I was thinking and feeling right now and that you'd all understand without much explanation. Just know that I'm thinking about all of you fondly today.

I have to remember to breathe deeply. We'll see where my head is tomorrow.

What a strange way to start the day.
This morning at about 6am I guess something fell off my bookshelf and woke me up. I was sleeping really soundly and when whatever happened I bolted out of bed and started screaming at the top of my lungs. I have never screamed that loud. The scary thing was that it was totally out of my control and I had no idea what was happening or where I was- there was just this terror. After that the room had a totally different vibe and I couldn't sleep anymore. After a little while trying to calm down I went and threw up a lot. I had missed work two previous days because I had been throwing up a bit and was feeling awful, especially in the morning. Today I missed a third day. I decided to go to the doctor instead of trying to make it into work at 8am. I'm worried that something is really wrong because I've been having pretty bad stomach pains and way too frequent nausea for a month or so. My appointment isn't until 7:30 this evening at urgent care. I don't want to go then; I want to go now. I hope it will be short. I'm only going because I need to get a doctors note to take to work.

So... seriously, list places you think I might like to apply. Anywhere. I'm not going to be picky anymore. I've reached a new level of misery at work. Help!

Well. Anyone have any ideas where I should work now?
I'm depressed right now.
I've been feeling really disconnected and homesick lately.
I don't feel like going to class. Now I don't have a job where I have friends to look forward to. How am I going to get up in the morning?

I AM CURRENTLY IN ATLANTA.

It's true. I got an earlier flight than planned. Begin visitation now!

I'm going to be in Georgia on Christmas Eve and will be leaving on the 30th. Make time for me. I think about coming home sometimes. Sometimes I get really sad and lonely and miss people so much. I'm working hard to figure myself out and to try to make it. Mostly I'm happy, though. I wish you guys would visit me sometime.

I'm going to LA with Christian to see Beck, Queens of the Stone Age, and Of Montreal this weekend.
Paul and I are broken up, and I don't think we'll ever get back together. I still care about him, and we still hang out. I think I'm doing really well.
There are lots of good things.