let's pretend we don't exist

dulcevita @ 2007-12-07T17:52:00

2007-12-08T01:52:51Z

I'll be home right after Christmas for 10 days. I want to see everybody. I want to see everyone as much as I can.

many moods

2007-07-23T07:26:13Z

I feel amazing. Jittery. The last doctor visit was a shocking success! After being sedated and worked on a lot and thoroughly drugged I'm eating and sleeping and walking again! I never thought I could ever be as sick as I was. Being unable move or speak, smell or hear without getting sick... every sense completely sabotaged. I also never thought I could recover like this. I shouldn't have gone to the beach or to torrey pines for a hike because of the antibiotics but it's just so beautiful and it's wonderful to be outside where I belong.

I'm exhausted and sad and frustrated. I'm very disoriented to be well. I hope to soon be reunited with the happiness in my life that drifted away in my mind. It will be better when I have company; I miss the quality of conversation I enjoyed. Intense disappointment with myself and some confusion with my identity rise and fall. These things aside, it's liberating to be so sure of what's most important to me.

Being healthy really is the best. Surgery is terrifying.
Moving here is the best thing I've ever done.
Things should be all better in a few days.

brief apperance

2007-07-20T01:10:00Z

Many things have changed.
After months of doctor visits and sitting in emergency rooms alone, perhaps tomorrow they will have my answers and my cure.
Today I called my family for help. My dad came to California to help me and now I've eaten solid food for the first time in weeks! I realize now how little I appreciate my usually one-way digestive system. My throat is bloody and raw. I hope that this didn't stem from 30 encapsulated cacti. That doesn't seem diagnosable.
Important things have come into focus. I almost feel shiny and new and better. I feel very different. Now I just have to get better.

I have a problem.

2007-04-11T06:11:33Z

Pray for me.
Or good vibes or whatever you do.

a better picture?

2007-04-02T05:25:29Z

no. 3
I'm mad because I spilled water on the corner.

dulcevita @ 2007-03-30T02:13:00

2007-03-30T09:14:50Z

I want to henna my hair. I'd have to dye it dark blond first and then it will come out kind of coppery red. Eh?

I knew her when the summer was her crown

2007-03-27T01:07:27Z

I had a birthday and made another scratch art.

dulcevita @ 2007-03-22T00:16:00

2007-03-22T07:17:09Z

This is my first scratch art attempt.

eat the record cover

2007-03-22T01:14:15Z

Katamari update- I rolled up the flying king and the queen, 3700m!
Guitar Hero update- have moved on to expert.
I haven't played Red Dead or Final Fantasy or Okami lately.
Embarrassingly, I started playing Rumble Roses as a joke, and now we play a lot... only because I listen to music at the same time.
I made a ton of scratch art palates for this weekend.
Oh, my birthday is this weekend.
I'm going on a trip. I'm excited.
I've chosen some photos to use as ideas for my scratch art.
Reading about people wanting to go to the beach makes me feel pretty lucky and ungrateful for living at the beach.
I have no idea what to expect from the trip. I just know that wherever I go it will be beautiful.

dulcevita @ 2007-03-15T13:49:00

2007-03-15T20:51:17Z

I don't really want the job I've been offered. Unless Alicia gets the same job...
I know where I want to work... I hope I can make that work out.
I don't want to be at another job where I'm miserable.

hell yes

2007-03-13T00:33:06Z

Being positive works!!

I got my first call back/interview set up today!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOOO!! End of the week bitches!

No, you're not bitches, the... government is a bitch.

Also, I wonder if my dad will be coming out west a bit to deal with these fires. Summertime here has definitely begun. Our wonderful 2 season cycle.

conversation

2007-03-12T08:00:24Z

In unrelated news, I believe my life's calling may be scratch art.

Also, I think I may start praying.

I've realized that I don't need much to be happy. I think one of my life's goals is having to deal with money as little as possible.

Things are happening the only way that they can happen and it's likely not a coincidence. Why worry about something that's out of my control?

squee

2007-03-12T03:30:17Z

I was totally in the zone last night in Katamari. I finally broke the 3100 mark and rolled up the king of all cosmos. I thought you all should know.

there's a first for everything

2007-03-02T00:22:49Z

So, I got fired this morning. I worked there for about a year and five months.
I brought in a doctors note because I got very sick and had to miss work. I absolutely could not make it to work for several days. I was told by managers that my doctors note covered all of the time that I missed for this particular illness. Today I was fired because of it. They knew I was very sick, I had notes and medicine, but they fired me anyway... for something that I had no control over. If they had told me I needed more doctors notes or something within a reasonable time for me to go back to the doctor I would have done it. But this is how they do it. A week later they tell me that I was misinformed. What else was I supposed to do?
So it's over. Now the job hunt is frantic. Now making rent this month is a question mark.
I guess I'm not going to the Deerhoof show tomorrow.

Other than that... I feel good. I feel that this is positive. I have cried more because of going to work than I can for being fired.
I have less worry in the pit of my stomach than I have in a very long time. I just have to be patient and work hard and not worry. I can do those things now. At another time in my life I couldn't say that.

I've been doing lots of scratch art!

My apartment is so close to everything... I can see down to the water from my balcony... but I think I want to get a bigger/cheaper place.

Christian and I are going to grow a cactus garden and make electronic music.

did you see the words?

2007-02-25T01:52:20Z

The weather today was perfect. It still gets dark a little too early, but at least I got up before 1 today. My stomach is feeling better. I've relaxed about things that I'd been worrying about.

I'm so excited, but I'm also very nervous. I wish I could let everyone know what I was thinking and feeling right now and that you'd all understand without much explanation. Just know that I'm thinking about all of you fondly today.

I have to remember to breathe deeply. We'll see where my head is tomorrow.

tripping on a hole in a paper heart

2007-02-16T23:12:44Z

What a strange way to start the day.
This morning at about 6am I guess something fell off my bookshelf and woke me up. I was sleeping really soundly and when whatever happened I bolted out of bed and started screaming at the top of my lungs. I have never screamed that loud. The scary thing was that it was totally out of my control and I had no idea what was happening or where I was- there was just this terror. After that the room had a totally different vibe and I couldn't sleep anymore. After a little while trying to calm down I went and threw up a lot. I had missed work two previous days because I had been throwing up a bit and was feeling awful, especially in the morning. Today I missed a third day. I decided to go to the doctor instead of trying to make it into work at 8am. I'm worried that something is really wrong because I've been having pretty bad stomach pains and way too frequent nausea for a month or so. My appointment isn't until 7:30 this evening at urgent care. I don't want to go then; I want to go now. I hope it will be short. I'm only going because I need to get a doctors note to take to work.

So... seriously, list places you think I might like to apply. Anywhere. I'm not going to be picky anymore. I've reached a new level of misery at work. Help!

dulcevita @ 2007-02-01T17:27:00

2007-02-02T01:30:44Z

Well. Anyone have any ideas where I should work now?
I'm depressed right now.
I've been feeling really disconnected and homesick lately.
I don't feel like going to class. Now I don't have a job where I have friends to look forward to. How am I going to get up in the morning?

i should stop worrying about money

2006-12-23T04:56:32Z

I AM CURRENTLY IN ATLANTA.

It's true. I got an earlier flight than planned. Begin visitation now!

dulcevita @ 2006-11-11T21:55:00

2006-11-12T04:55:56Z

I'm going to be in Georgia on Christmas Eve and will be leaving on the 30th. Make time for me. I think about coming home sometimes. Sometimes I get really sad and lonely and miss people so much. I'm working hard to figure myself out and to try to make it. Mostly I'm happy, though. I wish you guys would visit me sometime.

no news from the land of sunshine

2006-10-01T01:16:49Z

I'm going to LA with Christian to see Beck, Queens of the Stone Age, and Of Montreal this weekend.
Paul and I are broken up, and I don't think we'll ever get back together. I still care about him, and we still hang out. I think I'm doing really well.
There are lots of good things.

if you could only see the way

2006-09-09T02:15:46Z

So... it's been a while.
A lot of stuff has happened that I don't really feel like I can write about here.
Everything is crazy.
Give me addresses that I can write to you at, everybody. Or numbers I can call you at... but preferably an address.
I feel a great loss from not having you (all) in my life anymore, and I'd like to fix it.

everybody wants to be naked and famous

2006-07-16T03:29:34Z

Okay. I'm going to try to be optimistic.
I really need a place to live. I want you guys to move here so badly. Be my roomies. You would all love it, really. It's so beautiful. The guys here (besides Paul, obviously, haha) are way nicer in general than I've found elsewhere.
First day off today after working 11 days in a row without a break. I played frisbee with Paul and learned how to walk on my hands and do other acrobatic type things in the park. I also painted some swans. I bought lots of new paint and brushes and stuff. It takes me a really really long time to make anything that's any good, but I'm excited.

this is fucked up

2006-06-28T02:45:29Z

I'm barely holding on. Barely.
I wish he would make things easier for me. Every day seems a little more crushing... but I really care about him. More than anything. Hopefully I stop getting hurt every day.

I'm making a cd of songs with the f-word. I never say it, but there are some really good songs with it.

So far I have:

Nugget by Cake
Trunk Fulla Amps by Self
Black Swan by Thom Yorke
Fuck Me Like an Animal by Nine Inch Nails
The man don't give a fuck by Super Furry Animals
Big Dumb Sex by Soundgarden (Maybe)
Walking Through Walls by Jon Brion
Untouchable Face by Ani DiFranco
Song for the Dumped by Ben Folds Five and maybe Fired or Army by them too
Wolf at the Door or Creep by Radiohead
Dance Motherfucker Dance by Violent Femmes
Tear you Apart by She Wants Revenge
Bad Habit by the Offspring
Don't Ask Me by Ok Go
She Fucking Hates Me by Puddle of Mudd
Fuck this Shit by Belle and Sebastian

Anybody have anything else?

The trick is just making yourself.

2006-06-24T04:06:27Z

I moved. Hopefully I will have my own apartment soon. When that happens I suppose I will be a complete recluse.

I may be a better person, but I'm not happy.

I said I would be there for him, so I am. I said I would be his friend, so I am. I said I would try to make him happy, and I do. I never said I was happy about any of it, and I'm not. I guess it's okay for me to have nothing I want. I'm getting over being so selfish all the time... and this is helping me learn that my happiness doesn't matter.

Apparently he's going to be friends with one of his ex-girlfriends now.

On the upside, I'm losing a lot of weight.

If there's something inside that you wanna say, say it out loud it'll be okay.

dulcevita @ 2006-06-13T03:02:00

2006-06-13T10:27:36Z

Paul broke up with me today. He still wants to be my friend. He's a really good person to be friends with, so I'm going to be his friend. Even though the word "friend" is like a kick in the stomach, I'm trying to be understanding and I'm hoping that things get better. Both of our lives are very hard right now, so he needs time to relax, and I probably do too. I'm trying hard to be understanding and to ignore the feeling that all of my organs are are being shredded and torn from my body. I spent a long time screamcrying and I'm really miserable right now. I'm trying to keep it together. Paul says he wants me to stay in his life. He's a good person for me to have in my life, so I'm going to make sure to be a good friend to him. He deserves better than I was treating him. He deserves better than his life has gone. I hope I can start to make his life better. I really love him a lot more than I expected. I hope he decides that he loves me again one day. Having him not love me anymore hurts so much. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm glad we're still going to be friends, and not just because I hope he'll want me back, but because we help each other. I feel like I'm a better person than I was a year ago because of him. He says I help him too. I hope I can make him happy. I hope that there's not something wrong with me so that no one will ever want to keep me and love me. I want to make people happy. I feel really bad about myself right now. I feel like I don't make anyone happy. I hope that Paul is happy soon. He deserves to be happy. He says that he will never leave me- that he will always want to be a part of my life. He says he doesn't want me to disappear and he wants to see me just as often and things, but it's going to be very hard for me. I know and agree that things need to change, but I wasn't ready for them to change so much. I really hope he wants to be my boyfriend again, but I'm going to try not to think about that because I want to be a good friend. He wants me to stay, and even though it's hard for me I'm going to because he is very loyal and he treats the people he cares about better than anyone I know. When I look at him I remember things and it tears me apart but I'm trying not to cry. My heart is broken but I'm trying harder than I ever have.